


Unsteady

by StairsWarning



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Climbing Class, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 09:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5086351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StairsWarning/pseuds/StairsWarning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh has been in a rough spot for a while, it's just that... He doesn't like burdening others. In fact, he usually feels like he's the burden. Chris tries everything to fight that.</p>
<p>(Rated with graphic scenes of violence for an explicit self-harm scene)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> haah ahha tfw you dont post in a month and then you bust out a sad climbing class fic... dont worry guys, it has a fluffy ending. for optimal sad times, listen to unsteady by x-ambassadors.

He gripped his phone in his hands, his mind trying to grasp onto something. _Everything felt so… Unreal. So bland._

_So painless._

_So loveless._

He types a quick message to Chris to try and ground himself, sending shortened chatspeak instead of his own elaborate typing scheme.

Josh didn’t want to look like he was fishing for attention, but he needed this. He _needed_ it.

He couldn’t stop the thoughts otherwise.

He knew it was bad, he just couldn’t stop.

When Chris responded to his vague messages asking if he still wanted to hang out tomorrow, his hands started shaking as he started to type a message that would never be sent.

_i cant sleep or eat and i want to die but i dont know how to talk to you anymore because i lo_

And that’s when he deleted the characters angrily, retyping his message through bitter tears.

_yeah. night._

__

Josh stood up abruptly, making sure he was being quiet enough so Beth and Hannah didn’t hear him and locked his door.

He reached into the back of his closet, bringing out a small jewelry box.

Josh opened the box to reveal five neat and orderly objects. Three push-pins, two safety pins, and one box cutter.

Josh didn’t touch the box cutter.

He never does.

_Weak._

**_Strong._ **

_Terrified._

**_Brave._ **

_Disgusting._

**_Worthwhile._ **

_Ugly._

**_Beautiful._ **

His tears have been flowing for a while now, but they really started to pick up after his shaking hand pulled out a push-pin.

He didn’t want to do this.

He never did.

Yet, here he was.

Doing it anyway.

His shaking hands pressed the metal tip of the push-pin to his warm skin. He felt as the thin line was drawn down his arm, the blood slowly pushing its way out of the wound.

He _felt._

He knew this was wrong, but he couldn’t stop.

Only when his phone vibrated, alerting Josh to the outside world, did he really get the full wave of emotion from what he did. He dropped the push-pin to the floor.

Josh checked his phone shakily, chuckling through his tears at the picture Chris sent him. It was of a dog in the back of a pickup truck full of carrots, the dog obviously looking very pleased. He sent it with the caption, _not sure if youll see this till morning, but i thought it was really funny!_

Josh smiles weakly, sending back a dog emoji, an equals sign, and a heart eyes emoji.

Josh gets brought back to reality from the small pulsing feeling in his arm. He quickly gets up, going into his bathroom.

He reaches into one of the drawers, grabbing some disinfectant spray and a can of spray-on bandage.

He quickly tends to his wound, brushing his teeth and washing his face before falling into his bed and falling asleep.

The next morning he rolls out of bed at about 11 (it was Saturday, thank god), getting dressed in jeans and a long-sleeve shirt. Even though he only made one mark the night before, he still had a history of scars littered on his arms, legs, and hips.

Josh was just about to start cleaning up his room a bit as he heard the doorbell ring. He races down the hall to the front door, welcoming Chris in with a grandiose gesture. Chris chuckles, throwing his shoes into the corner and jogging up the stairs to Josh’s room. Josh follows behind at a leisurely pace, chuckling at the boy’s excitement.

Chris gets into Josh’s room quite a while before Josh does.

What Josh forgot was that he didn’t put away the pins last night.

As Josh walks in, in the middle of the whole ‘sorry my room’s messy deal with it’ spiel, the item in Chris’ hands makes Josh stop cold.

The box.

_His_ box.

Josh’s eyes widen, his body trying to respond to the flashing DANGER signs going off in his head, trying to take the box back from Chris.

“Please, Chris! Give it back! Please!!” Josh begs. Chris’ eyes are filled with sadness.

_Nononoonnonono Chris can’t be sa d if he’s sad, if he’s broken then he ca n’t be my rock, he can’t be grounding a nymore! Gotta fix Chris, gotta fix Chris, gotta fix Chris……_ Those last three words echoed in his head as his empty pleas were ignored by Chris.

Josh started to cry, his words blurred by the sudden amount of mucus in his body and the fat tears running down his face.

Chris extended his arm as far as he could away from Josh, tears starting to form in his eyes. Josh was swimming in and out of consciousness as he saw Chris’ mouth moving. At Josh’s confused expression, he repeats it.

“How long, Josh?” He swallows, making direct eye contact with Josh as his flailing limbs calmed down. Chris is near whispering at this point, terrified of what Josh will do. “How long have you been doing this to yourself?”

Josh didn’t know what to say.

He felt like crying and running away, but at the same time he felt like crying out of sheer joy. Someone was here… Someone was here for him.

No matter what.

Josh shakes his head slightly, still in disbelief after all this time. Chris sets the box down on Josh’s dresser and walks over to him cautiously.

Chris gently tugs at Josh’s sleeves, slowly pulling them up. Josh automatically crosses his arms over his chest, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

Chris, always the rock, shushes him gently and extends his arm to reveal the history of marks. Josh can barely even tell if there’s completely healed skin under there anymore.

Chris mumbles a small “Josh…” before enveloping him in a rib-crushing hug.

Normally, Josh would laugh the hug off, saying ‘no homo’ before getting back to playing video games or doing whatever they were doing.

But this, was no ordinary experience.

Josh grips onto Chris like a drowning man would to a buoy, his face buried into Chris’ shoulder.

They must’ve stood there for a solid fifteen minutes, sharing space, latching onto each other to keep the world from falling apart.

Finally, (hesitantly,) Chris separates slightly from Josh.

“How long, Josh?” Josh points his eyes to the floor. “Please tell me.” Chris then says the four words Josh was waiting to hear. “You can trust me, Josh. You can trust me.”

Josh looks up, looking Chris right in the eyes. He hiccups from the crying, not able to keep his voice from cracking. “I don’t… I don’t remember.” He takes a deep breath. “Maybe… Six months?” Chris looks at him, his eyes full of… Something Josh couldn’t identify.

Full of fear.

He didn’t want Chris to be afraid.

Chris, to be quite honest, didn’t know what to do. He just found out his best friend had been self-harming without telling anyone for six whole months!

Chris moved his hands from the base of Josh’s spine to his cheeks, gently rubbing his thumbs in soothing circles. Chris leaned over, giving Josh a small kiss on the forehead.

“It’s gonna be okay, Josh.” Josh took a deep breath at that.

_He hasn’t been okay in a long while._

“I’m gonna help you, okay?” Josh looked pleadingly up at Chris. “I will help you get more help. We can’t do this on our own.” Chris wipes Josh’s tears away with the pad of his thumb, giving Josh another forehead kiss. “I believe in you, Josh.”

Josh couldn’t speak, he could barely believe what was happening anymore. Chris not only found out, but he pledged to _help_ him. To _help_ him for Christ’s sake!

Instead of speaking, Josh decided just to cling onto Chris harder. He stopped crying, thank god, but he was still so…. confused. So relieved. So thankful.

Josh took a deep breath.

“What do we do now?” Josh said shakily. Chris took a deep breath, burying his nose into Josh’s shoulder.

“I guess we tell your parents, or your sisters at least.” Josh tenses up.

“I’m not ready for that, Chris. Please.” Chris chuckles. At Josh’s confused look, he explains.

“Well, you weren’t ready for this and look where this lead you?” Chris smiles. “A heart-to-heart with your best bro.”

Josh’s smile falters.

Chris looks at Josh, concerned.

This would be hard to explain.

“I-I-I uh, I um… It’s nothing.” Josh stutters. Chris looks at Josh. He wasn’t gonna take no for an answer.

Josh swallows.

“I love you, Chris.” Josh mumbles into Chris’ shoulder, feeling his body tense, then immediately relax again, his grip tightening.

Chris starts to chuckle, leaning side to side with Josh. Slowly his chuckling evolves into fully-blown laughter, and Chris picks Josh up, swinging him around. Chris’ booming laughter carried around the room, even making Josh laugh.

After a few seconds Chris puts him down, clearing his throat before speaking. “That’s all you were worried about?” Chris says with a glowing smile. Josh nods. Chris laughs again. “I love you too, you nerd.” They hug again, Chris kissing Josh’s cheeks. As soon as Josh gets the feeling that they’re gonna break the hug, Josh (his voice still tired from crying and laughing) murmurs into his ear.

“If you love me, don’t let go.” Chris smiles, kissing Josh’s face again.

“I’ll never let go, Jack.” Chris says in a lame Rose voice. Josh chuckles.

“Really? _Titanic_? Not the best love story to quote there, Romeo.” Josh says jokingly. Chris tut-tuts him with his finger.

“Really? _Romeo and Juliet_? Not the best love story either, Joshy.” They both break out into giggles, still holding each other close in their arms.

Josh could survive, somehow.

He would.

If not for himself, for Chris. For Beth. For Hannah. For Ashley and Jess and Mike and Matt and Emily and everyone.

He would make it.

**He would.**

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked this! im thinking i might continue this, please comment something if you think i should. this could work as a stand-alone or a chaptered fic, so, im open to suggestions!
> 
> (inspired by: http://heavenly-ely.tumblr.com/post/131395711629/theres-a-lot-josh-doesnt-say-made-by-this )


End file.
